Have you ever thought about the many ways to build trust in a relationship? I bet you haven't given it much thought, but it is very important. Often, what really makes a relationship work are not the things we think of first. You might even think that you have to try elaborate ideas, you know, do you think you always need to spice things up? Wrong! Often times predictability is more important than variety in a relationship. The following seven methods are guaranteed to grow your connection by improving the level of trust in a relationship. These are just ideas to get your creative juices flowing on the right path...these 7 ideas are a start.
First, as I mentioned in the opening paragraph, you need to be somewhat predictable. This goes against the common notion that you need to “stir things up” to keep the romance alive. If you are always changing and are unpredictable how can anyone really count on you? Sure, going to a new restaurant or giving a surprise gift can be nice, but that's not the kind of predictability I mean. Most of all, we need things to be consistent and steady in order to make our relationships work. We need to know we can count on someone...you need to be reliable and dependable. Consider that trust in a relationship is built on being reliable day in and day out, in good times and in bad.
Secondly, you need to make sure that your words always match the message. This means that your partner needs to hear the words which match your body language. If you say you are happy but you are frowning, your partner may not hear your words, he or she sees your face and the tone in your voice though. Your partner needs to be able to trust what you are saying. The words must match the message when you want to build trust in a relationship. Pay special attention here ladies...don't say "nothing" when you mean "something".
Third, you need to have a fundamental belief in your partner’s abilities, skills and talents. If you can't believe in the other person then you won’t have the trust in a relationship that you need. When lovingly communicated, the truth is never destructive. You can communicate the truth without being critical of the other person. When you do not believe that your partner is competent at some things, you will feel like you have been violated and then the trust in the relationship is stagnant or (worse yet) not even there. Your partner will feel as though you have no belief in their strengths and so you must work to find the positive influence they can make on the relationship. Don't criticize them or belittle them.
Fourth, don’t keep secrets. Secrets destroy the trust in a relationship. Be honest and open. It can be assumed that everything you know will eventually come out anyway. Secrets require an enormous amount of energy on your part. It is energy better spent on building the relationship. Be honest for goodness sakes. If you can't be honest with your significant other then who can you be honest with?
Fifth, don’t be afraid to let your partner know what your needs are. Don’t make him or her guess what you need. People are not mind readers, you know. If you think they should be and then get all bent out of shape when they aren't able to read your mind then it's really your fault...not theirs. Let them know how you feel. Let them know what you want and need. It is okay to be self-centered as long as you are not selfish. There is a difference, you know.
Sixth, learn to say no. When your partner voices his or her needs, that is a good thing. But you don’t need to say yes to everything. A partner cannot respect you if you never say no. Being subjugated to the other person’s will without any concern for your own good will actually tears down a relationship. You build up a resentment inside until eventually you burst.
Finally, always pursue growth. When you plant a flower, you begin by digging in the dirt. Digging in the dirt of our relationship can sometimes cause pain. But, through that pain, we substantiate who we are just like we prepare the soil for future growth. Don’t be afraid of turmoil, crisis, or questions. These become the fertilizer for growth and change. Embrace what is difficult. Isn't your relationship worth fighting for? Usually anything of any value is.
When you decide to work on trust in a relationship, you are bound to encounter a little pain. That's okay. You know what they say...no pain, no gain. As you work through this pain, you will not only become stronger as an individual, you will also strengthen your relationship.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Are You In A Toxic Relationship?
How can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship?
Here are some clues:
If your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of others, you might be in a toxic relationship.
If your partner says they love you, but their actions don’t back it up, then you might be in a toxic relationship. (You know, actions do speak louder than words...think about it.)
If your partner is very controlling of everything you do, you might be in a toxic relationship. (i.e. they read your mail, listen in on your phone conversations, call to monitor on your whereabouts throughout the day, etc.)
If they hacked your computer and are reading your email (or just checking your history on your computer to keep you in line) or “showing up” at places where you are just to “check up” on you, take heed.
If your partner tries to make you dependent on them, you might be in a toxic relationship. (i.e. maybe they are making you separate from family and friends that they are not in control of)
If you have changed things about yourself just to please them and not to please yourself then you might be in a toxic relationship.
Toxic people make you feel odd just being around them. It's not so much that they are scaring you, but just making you feel awkward and uneasy...like you have to be on guard and walk on egg shells when you are with them.
So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?
They say love is blind, so maybe you do not recognize these things as they really are. A toxic relationship has a cycle. There’s a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by a reconciliation. Then the cycle begins anew. It's a vicious circle.
When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in the honeymoon stage. You may be in the relationship for quite a time before you realize that you are in a toxic relationship.
At that point, it is difficult to get out. You know consciously that you should get out and that the relationship is not healthy for you, but you are already on the emotional roller coaster that, subconsciously, makes ending the relationship very difficult.
One reason for subjecting yourself to this is that many people in toxic relationships grow up in toxic homes. As a result, you replicate the patterns of your childhood without even knowing you’re doing it. You view what is happening to you as perfectly normal.
Another thing is this, you may not know any better. You may have already been reduced to believing that you do not deserve anything different.
Still to, you may find that you enjoy taking care of people and you just see this type of relationship as that vehicle. You recognize the care and attention the other person needs and think to yourself that if you only love them enough they will love you and respect you back. Unfortunately, that isn't so.
So...the first step in getting out and staying out of a toxic relationship is to realize that you do have choices. Very often people who stay in these relationships have low self esteem or suffer from depression and think they have no choices.
Once you realize that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself. In most toxic relationships, the toxic partner has taught you that it is all your fault. Once you buy into this, it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship.
Don't be one of your own worst enemies. Don't go on a guilt trip that you don't need to go on.
For some people, working in therapy groups can help them either get out of or redefine these horrible relationships.
The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of toxic relationships.
Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds.
Others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it.
The truth is that most relationships are able to be salvaged. Sometimes it takes a little space. Sometimes, it takes counseling. But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.
The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you’re willing to walk away. If your significant other realizes that you aren’t willing to walk away, you’ll never be able to heal that which divides you. The cycle will continue just the way it is.
Once you have liberated yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection.
Don’t nag the other person. Simply say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” Don't be demanding, just make your feelings known. Remember that the other person is not a mind reader, but they do need to be made aware of how you feel or they will continue on their rampage of dominance.
If you don’t get what you need, the other person should know that you’re prepared to walk.
A healthy relationship is a two way street. In a toxic relationship, the street is only going one way. You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands.
Here are some clues:
If your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of others, you might be in a toxic relationship.
If your partner says they love you, but their actions don’t back it up, then you might be in a toxic relationship. (You know, actions do speak louder than words...think about it.)
If your partner is very controlling of everything you do, you might be in a toxic relationship. (i.e. they read your mail, listen in on your phone conversations, call to monitor on your whereabouts throughout the day, etc.)
If they hacked your computer and are reading your email (or just checking your history on your computer to keep you in line) or “showing up” at places where you are just to “check up” on you, take heed.
If your partner tries to make you dependent on them, you might be in a toxic relationship. (i.e. maybe they are making you separate from family and friends that they are not in control of)
If you have changed things about yourself just to please them and not to please yourself then you might be in a toxic relationship.
Toxic people make you feel odd just being around them. It's not so much that they are scaring you, but just making you feel awkward and uneasy...like you have to be on guard and walk on egg shells when you are with them.
So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?
They say love is blind, so maybe you do not recognize these things as they really are. A toxic relationship has a cycle. There’s a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by a reconciliation. Then the cycle begins anew. It's a vicious circle.
When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in the honeymoon stage. You may be in the relationship for quite a time before you realize that you are in a toxic relationship.
At that point, it is difficult to get out. You know consciously that you should get out and that the relationship is not healthy for you, but you are already on the emotional roller coaster that, subconsciously, makes ending the relationship very difficult.
One reason for subjecting yourself to this is that many people in toxic relationships grow up in toxic homes. As a result, you replicate the patterns of your childhood without even knowing you’re doing it. You view what is happening to you as perfectly normal.
Another thing is this, you may not know any better. You may have already been reduced to believing that you do not deserve anything different.
Still to, you may find that you enjoy taking care of people and you just see this type of relationship as that vehicle. You recognize the care and attention the other person needs and think to yourself that if you only love them enough they will love you and respect you back. Unfortunately, that isn't so.
So...the first step in getting out and staying out of a toxic relationship is to realize that you do have choices. Very often people who stay in these relationships have low self esteem or suffer from depression and think they have no choices.
Once you realize that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself. In most toxic relationships, the toxic partner has taught you that it is all your fault. Once you buy into this, it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship.
Don't be one of your own worst enemies. Don't go on a guilt trip that you don't need to go on.
For some people, working in therapy groups can help them either get out of or redefine these horrible relationships.
The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of toxic relationships.
Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds.
Others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it.
The truth is that most relationships are able to be salvaged. Sometimes it takes a little space. Sometimes, it takes counseling. But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.
The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you’re willing to walk away. If your significant other realizes that you aren’t willing to walk away, you’ll never be able to heal that which divides you. The cycle will continue just the way it is.
Once you have liberated yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection.
Don’t nag the other person. Simply say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” Don't be demanding, just make your feelings known. Remember that the other person is not a mind reader, but they do need to be made aware of how you feel or they will continue on their rampage of dominance.
If you don’t get what you need, the other person should know that you’re prepared to walk.
A healthy relationship is a two way street. In a toxic relationship, the street is only going one way. You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands.
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