Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

How can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship?

Here are some clues:

If your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of others, you might be in a toxic relationship.

If your partner says they love you, but their actions don’t back it up, then you might be in a toxic relationship. (You know, actions do speak louder than words...think about it.)

If your partner is very controlling of everything you do, you might be in a toxic relationship. (i.e. they read your mail, listen in on your phone conversations, call to monitor on your whereabouts throughout the day, etc.)

If they hacked your computer and are reading your email (or just checking your history on your computer to keep you in line) or “showing up” at places where you are just to “check up” on you, take heed.

If your partner tries to make you dependent on them, you might be in a toxic relationship. (i.e. maybe they are making you separate from family and friends that they are not in control of)

If you have changed things about yourself just to please them and not to please yourself then you might be in a toxic relationship.

Toxic people make you feel odd just being around them. It's not so much that they are scaring you, but just making you feel awkward and uneasy...like you have to be on guard and walk on egg shells when you are with them.

So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?

They say love is blind, so maybe you do not recognize these things as they really are. A toxic relationship has a cycle. There’s a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by a reconciliation. Then the cycle begins anew. It's a vicious circle.

When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in the honeymoon stage. You may be in the relationship for quite a time before you realize that you are in a toxic relationship.

At that point, it is difficult to get out. You know consciously that you should get out and that the relationship is not healthy for you, but you are already on the emotional roller coaster that, subconsciously, makes ending the relationship very difficult.

One reason for subjecting yourself to this is that many people in toxic relationships grow up in toxic homes. As a result, you replicate the patterns of your childhood without even knowing you’re doing it. You view what is happening to you as perfectly normal.

Another thing is this, you may not know any better. You may have already been reduced to believing that you do not deserve anything different.

Still to, you may find that you enjoy taking care of people and you just see this type of relationship as that vehicle. You recognize the care and attention the other person needs and think to yourself that if you only love them enough they will love you and respect you back. Unfortunately, that isn't so.

So...the first step in getting out and staying out of a toxic relationship is to realize that you do have choices. Very often people who stay in these relationships have low self esteem or suffer from depression and think they have no choices.

Once you realize that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself. In most toxic relationships, the toxic partner has taught you that it is all your fault. Once you buy into this, it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship.

Don't be one of your own worst enemies. Don't go on a guilt trip that you don't need to go on.

For some people, working in therapy groups can help them either get out of or redefine these horrible relationships.

The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of toxic relationships.

Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds.

Others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it.

The truth is that most relationships are able to be salvaged. Sometimes it takes a little space. Sometimes, it takes counseling. But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.

The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you’re willing to walk away. If your significant other realizes that you aren’t willing to walk away, you’ll never be able to heal that which divides you. The cycle will continue just the way it is.

Once you have liberated yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection.

Don’t nag the other person. Simply say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” Don't be demanding, just make your feelings known. Remember that the other person is not a mind reader, but they do need to be made aware of how you feel or they will continue on their rampage of dominance.

If you don’t get what you need, the other person should know that you’re prepared to walk.

A healthy relationship is a two way street. In a toxic relationship, the street is only going one way. You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands.